ohhhhh high school.
much loveee.

fuck that.
i'm so happy to be out of school.

i can't manage to shed a tear
for those that mean nothing to me
for those that will remain the same in ten years
and for those that have no future at all.
you're all fuck ups.
and i'm truly disappointed to be labeled in the same catagory as the majority of you.

The Class of 2009.

i hope that in the future maybe you'll manage to earn some of that class you lacked in high school.
but this is seeming all so unlikely.
so enjoy your remaining years as selfish , ignorant pieces of shit.
thanks.

i've decided that finals are useless.
so i'll pass the time with foolishness

hmm. not much has changed in the last. oh you know week.
i can't believe i update this thing as much as i do.
whatever...
i mean. this is more like a page to tell the world what i think when i think it
without actually telling the world.

i'm feeling less and less enthused about college. idky . i'm more excited to leave.
but actually doing work. doesn't really excite me.

i'm pretty happy for the most part..... although i still get into those rediculously terrible moods. out of no where.

seven months i've dated christopher. it doesn't really seem that long. idk .
i think i may take a look at my older posts. but i'm afraid of what they'll say
i won't bring back the past. i'll reflect i suppose.
i hope i've changed. grown.
but there's still a part of me that's still. uneasy and unsure.

tonight's senior prom. . . weird.
didn't think this day would ever arrive.

i hope it's fun.
and i hope everyone stays safe.

they weren't lying when they said these four years would be gone in an instant.
wow.

crying
in his arms.
"this isn't another attack don't worry "
but it hit me.
hard.

these days will seldom repeat themselves when you're away next year.

so we'll enjoy the upcoming season
we'll fall harder than ever before.
and i hope that you'll set me free and you'll come back to me.

please come back to me.

and by time i mean hours. a day? 
i really hope this roller coaster ends.
i dislike being happy one minute and pissed or sad the next.

although i feel like i am the cause of this .
i think i am expecting so much.
i assume everything will come to me. and it'll come fast.
but life shouldn't be about instant gradfication.

i want something worth the wait..

i hope i find that thing. and keep it forever.
maybe i have.

the funny thing is.. i only felt okay. when i wasn't on my meds.
now i am back in a slum.
and who knows when it'll end
two panic attacks in one day. awesomeee.


" it's gunna take some time " . . . . .. .
=[

in exactly 4 months fomr today. i will be living in new hampshire.
attending a school that i'm sure i'll love.
also. win.

i feel so happy. so so happy.
this vacation has been so fun.
i don't believe i was bored once. ha
i love bonfires, taco bell, picnics at quabbin, playground, breakfast.
so sad tomorrow is school.
but thankfully there's only like 20 days of high school left.
so then i can do this all the time.

this summer is going to be so much fun, i can feel it.

i love my friends, i love my boy, i love my college
i am in a very loving mood.
for the win. <3

hahah and it's days like these that i can't wait to fucking leave high school.
stupid scunts . i swear theres a bitch made every minute.
funny that all they could do is
make fun of is my job, and brittani's water gun backpack.
hmmm  dear silly juvenile skanks. do us all a favor and kill yourself.
or better yet get cancer from all the fake baking you do.
oh an FYI . all that make up you cake on everyday
yea you're not getting any prettier. so just stop.
sincerely a concerned citizen.


don't fuck with me.
i feel like a time bomb.
i don't believe i have ever been so heated.
only 20some odd days.
i can not waittttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt.

i love days like today. =p

so i'm done with putting forth any further effort towards Barry's and my friendship.
i don't believe he will ever accept me.. or chris for that matter.
i thought my life would just be different... prehaps better if i had an old friend back into my life.
but seeing as he isn't taking this as serious as i am.
i question if he'll ever .
so ... so much for wishful thinking.
i'll leave it all to you.

i took a risk last night.
and i never felt so alive.
i realized how much trust i have in my friends
and how thankful i am for them.
they showed me something beautiful
.....the art of living.
let's do this more often.

i'm happy. . i don't really like my job. but it pays the bills. . i work a lot now. .
but i still have time for christopher and my friends. which i really like.
we're finally over all the drama. and i'm glad we're on the same page.
but i can't help but become extremely jealous . it's something that's natural to me.
i think it's because i have a low self esteem . but i hide it pretty well.
i know i shouldn't feel this way, but i do . all the time.
he tells me i have nothing to worry about. but i continue to do so.

i'm glad the suns out again.
i love to play outside. and do whatever.
i can't wait til summer.
the anticipation is killing me.

i'm finding less and less to write about on this thing.
i used to vent like crazy.
i guess i found less to bitch and moan about.

although one thing has been wondering my mind....
the situation with barry and i.
well it's been made clear to me that chris does not like him.
although he isn't very fond of andy either.
me and andy talk. hang out .
but me and barry.
idk. i don't feel like we're going anywhere.
maybe it's because i'm scared to just re-attach myself to him.
he was my true friend. and i took him for granted.
now how can i tell this to him?
i'd like everything to just change overnight.
but it won't.
as much as i hope.
it won't.
i don't know what he wants. if anything.
i think it's time i talk to him.
we can text all we want.
but it doesn't change who we are in public.
i wish this never happend.
he's opened my eyes to alot of things.
and now i can't even look at him. =\
i want a resolution.
i'm afraid of what'll happen.
*fingers crossed for the future*

i really need to go to some shows asap.
i have been having major concert withdrawls.
insanely loud music in my car/room/computer will not cut it.

i am excited for TBS back on tour.
brings back memoriessss. =p
i hope their new album isn't a let down.

i am getting better at the guitar. =]
i can play the star spangled banner now haha
in due time my friends.

finally the storm has past.
i pray that things will remain like this.
and never change.
no more fighting.
right now is where i want to be
and where i want to stay

this week was hell
but i'm glad it all worked out =]

love conquers all.

i don't really have much to say.
i have tried so hard. and nothing seems to be falling into place.
i hate fighting.
i feel like we're drifting further every day
whenever we argue. nothing gets solved.
and it normally gets worse.
same old shit different day
i'm tired.
i want it to end.
i want this to work . really i do.
but it's making me think. .
these heartbreaking days make me believe you arn't the guy i fell in love with.
i fell in love with your quirkiness, your smile, your eyes, your nerdiness, your love for knowledge, your laugh, the way you always tickled me in comparative religon.. you never seemed to be able to let me go ,
the way you fucked with all my things- my purse , my water bottles, you seemed to want to create a minor chaos and just pick on me.
the way you would race me up the stairs after lunch. i hope you know how silly you looked.
the way you would write me notes. all the time. no matter how lame or extremely cute.
god damn i miss how it all used to be.
when did it get so bad that we resort to fighting on the facebook comments?
i never intended it to ever get this bad.
i want this all to end.
but i find a new flaw every day.
and i hate it. . .
i stand by what i said.
i can't help but feel un-important to you.
i can't do this.
i just.
next year . it's all i can think about.
i don't think you know how hard it's going to be.
maybe not so much for you.
but i am so scared for us.
at the rate at which things are going now.
you think i am too clingy now?
whats going to happen next year when i don't see you at all.
only on breaks. holidays.
chris. i want to make this work.
i just don't know if you do.
tell me.
i need to know.
this is hurting me more then you know.
i don't want to lose you.
i don't.
i have never fallen so hard , so quickly.
you mean soo much to me.
i have put my heart and soul into this relationship.
but in the end i am feeling like i am losing you.
that everything we dreamed of.
everything we want to happen in the future
is slowly vanishing.
and i am scared to death.
you're the one thing i am sure of.
so i hope.....
so i thought.

i really don't have much to write about. but i felt the need to write. well type.

hmmm. my life has been pretty lame. school, nap,dinner, computer, sleep, repeat. sometimes throw in work. but not really.
andy and i are getting along really good. he's helping me with guitar, i got to try out some electric =p. he's opened up to me about alot recently. and it's occuring to me that its going to be hard for me to say goodbye when i go to college and he goes to boot camp. =\

i miss barry. we're talking. kinda. sometimes. i just really miss hanging out with him. and he says the same.
i hope that things will work out and we'll be better someday. i don't want to say goodbye to him either. if he moves away.
idk what id do. i "lost" him once. but for it to happen again. =\ idk.

i mean i guess going away to college alone. will be hard and scary. and i guess saying goodbye will be quite difficult as well.
i just hope that i find friendships. and nice roomates. and i hope i don't procrasinate or get lazy.

i can't wait til summer, the other day i played my guitar on my roof. in the 59 degree weather. it was so perfect. i practiced my chords and the little songs i do actually know. haha. i just can't wait to spend every waking minute outside during the spring in summer.
i am sick of comming home and napping til someone wake me up for dinner.

give me sunshine.
breathe in air.

it's days like these that give me hope.
i'm so hopeful for our future.
nothing can bring me down when you're around.
i swear it's true.
i can be so crazy and careless around you.
i love every minute

today was a relief of alot of my inner anger over the past week or so.
today was fun.
i got to hang out with my best friend =]
i wish every day could be this amazing.

i love you goofball. <3

this is never ending.
so it seems.
constant bickering
haunting my dreams.
i want this to work.
but it's getting so hard.
too hard.
i can't believe it's gotten this bad.
i want this fighting to end.
i want to be like we used to be.
but you're making it so difficult.
you don't have money when we want to hang out
then again you do when your friends come around
i don't know how to tell you half the shit thats been on my mind.
i hate how you're making me feel this way.
i feel like shit.
i hate complaining to every soul about our problems.
it's sad i can't even confront you about them myself.
this is ridicoulous.
i can't take it anymore.
i'm trying by ignoreing everything you do and don't do.
but it's getting to the point where i've misplaced happiness.
and i'm afraid that it'll get worst, or we'll do something we'll regret.
i don't want that to happen.
but in order to prevent those bad things.
other things neeed to change.
i want to be able to see you / hang out with you when your parents are home.
go out sometimes.
i realize you don't have a job
but you know me. i don't expect anything bbut you're company.
i pay for my gas, my meal whatever it may be.
but that doesn't matter. i like to be with you.
i'm sick and tired of this never-ending bullshit.
i am tired of bitching,
i am tired of complaining,
i am tired of telling you the same things that brother me and you don't even care.
i am tired of being on this stupid fucking roller coaster with you.
but if it ends with a happily ever after.
maybe just maybe i'll make it through.
without going insane first.

maybe, just this once, i can have both.

but i have a feeling something will go terribly wrong.
i'm letting it all sink in. and i am allowing everything to come to me.
instead of worrying or stressing.
if the fates wish for us to cross paths once more.
great.
i just really hope they don't screw this up.
and more than anything.
i hope i don't screw up either.

if you love something... set it free. if it comes back to you. it's yours.
and if it doesn't. it never was to begin with.

let's hope this works.

this has been the strangest day.
i've completely allowed all the old wounds to re-open.
and for some reason i am content with it.
i have noticed how much these people have matured, changed.
and i look back. and god damn i wish nothing changed.
i wish i were still friends with barry and andy.
if i neglect the bad times and focus on the best times
it makes me want that part of my life back.
they were the biggest part of me.
and i ruined it. i thought it was them. but it was me all along.
i don't know if we'll actually become friends like we used to be again.
senior year is coming to an end.
and i'll be off in college.
is it worth mending what was lost just to be left once more?
idk.
i'm confused.
and if i am content with my life is it worth risking it?
should i let this settle and ignore what could become of this. ?
i'm unsure.
it's funny because everyone in my past has said something mature , heart filled today
everyone but him, my future.
what does this all mean?